December Notes

A story I didn't plan to share and an update on what I've been up to in my art practice

Someone I love called me out this week…

I’ve been focusing on too many imagined, negative ideas of what could be. The kinds of things that keep me from being present and make it harder for me to let loose and enjoy the time I have with people I love…

and then the next day someone commented on a post I’d written last month about hyper focusing on my work and the beauty that can be seen when you step away for a while. Being more in the process instead of forcing it essentially. She commented on how good it is to step back and see things with fresh eyes.

And the combination of her comment and the conversation I’d had the night before allowed me to consider a lot of things I’ve been overlooking while I spend time worrying about what the future might hold.

There are definitely moments when I am present… but there’s an exorbitant amount of time where my mind is wandering and contemplating my deepest fears and worries.

I think I’ve always done this to a certain extent but it’s gotten worse.

Which could be due to what happened when I was pregnant with my daughter.

I had a very strong suspicion when I was pregnant with her that I would end up having a c-section.

So obviously I never told anyone. I kept it to myself. I just sat with this feeling and went to natural birthing classes and talked to my doctor about wanting to give birth without interventions (no Pitocin, no epiderals and such).

Then my water ruptured at 10am on a beautiful summer morning. I spent the day walking the neighborhood, sweating in the humidity that comes with a midwestern summer and relishing it (I can be a bit of an odd duck okay?) and finally went to the hospital at about 6pm to find out I was a whopping 1cm dilated.

So we waited.

and waited…

and waited some more, until we finally agreed to try Pitocin around 11am the following day.

Guess what happened?

We waited some more.

I finally went in for a c-section that evening around 6:30pm with a doctor I’d never met. The surgery itself made me feel like my abdomen was water and there were oars pushing through me. Rowing through my abdomen. I was trembling so much when they handed me my daughter for the first time I felt nervous, like I may drop her. The doctor attributed that to hormone surges. I was lucky to have had a wonderful surgeon but the next week felt brutal.

Whether you’ve ever had a c-section or not you’ve probably heard something about it being the easy way out. I know I did before I had one and I’ve heard it since then.

Let’s be clear though, having gone through two c-sections now because my water ruptured naturally both times and then my babies just didn’t really progress, well, it’s absolute nonsense. The doctor slices through seven layers of tissue which includes muscle. Core muscle.

Now, because I am who I am, I didn’t just not talk about the feeling I had, I didn’t research it either. I was entirely unprepared for the surgery and for the healing that would come. Unprepared for how difficult the absolute simplest tasks would feel even after going home.

So maybe some of my issues are due to going through what turned out to be a traumatizing experience. Maybe the tendency I had to consider all sides of what could be was inflamed…

but I play out scenarios now to figure out the other side of it. I talk to my husband about things he doesn’t contemplate. Things I wish I didn’t either. So I can figure out how I’d handle it, how I would move forward, what options would be available to us.

and it’s been consuming me more and more.

So here’s a reminder from me to you…

one that I really need to be reminded of this season.

There is so much outside our control but we can still choose to be in the moment.

We can loosen our grip.

Lighten expectations and not just for other people but for ourselves too.

We can make it a point to be engaged and present instead of letting our minds wander off so much.

We can move our bodies to physically loosen up and in turn probably relax our mind and nervous systems in the process.

We can root ourselves more in the here and now and connect more within our communities and build a stronger sense of place not just within the landscape we inhabit but also among the people we share it with.

For introverted folks (such as myself) some of that can feel like a challenge but I’ve also found it gets easier with practice.

My son has his first ever performance today and being around a lot of people makes me him really nervous but his teachers keep saying that he is the loudest singer in his class. So we spent a lot of time this week talking about how we can be multiple things all at the same time. Nervous or scared feelings can stand right alongside a show of bravery or courageousness.

I don’t know what to expect from him today. Six months ago I would’ve guessed that he may have not even made onto the stage and if he did his face would’ve been soaked with salty tears but a lot can change in six months and he’s grown so much he may sing his little heart out.

In which case you’ll find me in a puddle of very very happy tears. I hope he surprises himself today with what he is capable of. Even in the face of fear.

Raising kids it turns out, for me anyway (I think for a lot of us), is a lot about raising myself too. About being open and accepting growth, even when it feels hard. This month I have come to some interesting truths. I’ve been unintentionally putting up walls more than I realized, I haven’t really let loose with any regularity in a long time, I’ve been holding myself back with my own work by only putting it out there in little bits every so often and then wallowing in my own self imposed rejection and allowing that to prevent me from really giving myself the chance to fail (or succeed). I’ve been too focused on scary what if’s and letting it consume too much of my mind.

A courageous life well lived may very well be filled with a fair share of rejection and most certainly a fair bit of growth. But instead of being spent consumed by the awful things that may happen, it can be spent finding ways to enjoy the here and now.

Onward to Art:

Last month I shared in this post about a little sculptural piece I had just finished up and the unexpected way it came about. The plan was actually to have the piece photographed below as part of a hanging mobile but that got scrapped because as it turns out, it was just right as it was.

Example A: Freestanding sculpture

With Christmas coming I didn’t really think I would be able to get anything else finished up before the end of the year but I found myself surprised again this month when this piece (below) just sort of fell together too.

With my work time dwindling down as we approach Winter Break I was just hoping to make a little headway and be happy with whatever came of it.

Instead I sat down to work and that flower painting immediately caught my eye. I’ve toyed around with that piece for months but nothing ever quite felt right, so it’s just been hanging out, waiting for its day to come. For reference the photo below is from July, so I’ve been puttering around with it off and on for the last 6 months (because I think it’s been finished since June).

It was sitting unassumingly on the lower shelf of my desk, so I grabbed it and then grabbed a piece of driftwood that was sitting all dejected as I’d been planning to use it with that little sculpture piece I shared above when it was supposed to be something else. It had little clouds still attached from the previous plan that I’d thrown out the window. I laid it out with the painting and suddenly things fell into place. It’s wild to me to think about it, I’d spent so much time putting compositions together to make this piece work and I knew each time that something just wasn’t quite right. It felt forced.

Until it didn’t.

This body of work has felt exciting in a way that I don’t think anything else I’ve ever done has. Each piece has come together in it’s own time and feels one step removed from the last piece that was finished. They are all linked up and interconnected but the growth and experimentation happening from one to the next right now is feeling really special as the collection progresses.

So with that said I’m planning to do more next year with a mix of freestanding pieces and work that can be hung. I’m still planning to put together an exhibition proposal and considering applying for some shows and maybe some art fairs as we head into the new year too. I really want to push myself to put my work out there more and try for more opportunities to share it.

I also picked this piece up again this week and made some headway. I have some ideas I want to experiment around with in the coming weeks so I’ll share more about that process and what works and what doesn’t in the weeks ahead.

If you’re interested here’s a little video I compiled adding layers to the crescent shaped piece earlier this week.

As most of the flowers in my work were drawn sitting in my garden this past summer or from reference photos I took there, I’m looking forward to spending the next few weeks making plans for what we might add to our native garden next year. I’ll share more about the plants we are considering sometime soon too and some great resources for planning out your own.

Happy holidays from my family to yours

xoxo,
Bec

p.s. In case you were wondering, my son sang every word (quietly) and walked off the stage feeling exceptionally proud of himself